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Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winnah! And it just might
be youse!
What does it take to be a winnah, besides a cheesy Bronx
accent? It takes an expoit's knowledge of da ponies, a good system, brains,
patience, and da ability to enter when you sees an opening...but we know
youze's got dat part covered!
Pssst, buddy. Wanna hot tip? Dis is a list of da equine
toiminology dat will take youse to da winnahs soikle. And youse is gonna
need it, if ya wants ta be a winnah, ya lousy bum! Read on (lips moving
optional) and fill da survey to win dis week's poice.
Catch you Friday, especially if you're still contagious.
Urban Mixer TONIGHT!
Meantime, TONIGHT meet up wit da guys and dolls from
Urban Mixer at da Urban Well Comedy Night! Youse'll laugh, youse'll cry,
partikalarly if youse still owes us dat fifty. But youse'll also score
a free pass to da ponies on Friday night, so youse has got nuttin to
lose.
And dere off! Well, I've always been a liddle off...
COMEDY NIGHT
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10th |
Well, why not? Da boss wants ta see ya dis Wednesday
at da Oiban Well (Canadian translation: "Urban Well").
Ya just might break ya funny bone, wit two back-to-back comedy
shows (an no, we didden rope dem dat way, dey just like it like
dat), drink specials, appies, and a bigger spread than Fat Tony's
barstool.
WHERE: The Urban Well (Kitsilano),
1516 Yew Street, Vancouver
WHY: In dis bidness, we could all use
a few laughs. Raj sez so! An what Raj sez goes!
WHEN: 2005-08-10 six-toity pee em
SPECIAL BONUS: Getcha free
pass to Friday Night at the Races heah! Limited quantities, unlimited
appetites!
MORE
INFORMATION | ADD
TO MY CALENDAR | REGISTER
ONLINE (REGISTRATION CLOSES 1:00PM TODAY)
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FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE RACES
FRIDAY, AUGUST 12th
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We're playin' da ponies at Hastin's Park wit our
playpals da Jericho Tennis Club Sin at Sunset Atteneez and the
Vancouver Lawn Badminton and Tennis Club Pool Party Crew. Legitimate
businessmen, all! Our exclusive string-pullin' and uncanny luck
pickin' winners (wink, wink) has landed us an exclusive playpen
in da blue-striped Marquee Tent.
WHERE: Hastin's Park, Renfrew
and East Hastin's, in da heart of East Vancouver, right near
my uncle Louie's place
WHY: Dis ain't my Uncle Louie's bleachah
seats, so youse'll want to get ya space resoived early.
WHEN: 2005-08-12 six-toity pee em
MORE
INFORMATION | ADD
TO MY CALENDAR | REGISTER
ONLINE
|
INLINE SKATING
SUNDAY, AUGUST 14th
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Put on ya body armah and roll wit us! Da Raven-Night
social club is sadly closed, but no reason to sit home poutin'.
Getcha some fine wheels and hit da pavement (or, better still,
don't hit it) inline skatin', rollerbladin', for all levels Sunday
da 14th! Da Big Bossman Raj will be givin' a lesson for all ya
newbies at twelve pee em. Dose dat made dere bones, da Intermediate
and Advanced, skate startin' at one-tirdy. Bring ya own equipment,
cuz da boss's spares is still impounded fa evidence!
WHERE: Stanley Park Parking
Lot, 500 Denman Street, Vancouver
WHY: When da boss says to roll, you
roll!
WHEN: 2005-08-14 12:00 PM (or 1:30 PM
for Intermediate or Advanced)
MORE
INFORMATION | ADD
TO MY CALENDAR | REGISTER
ONLINE
|
EVENING MIXER
THURSDAY, AUGUST 25th |
Trow yaseff to da wolves an' take a walk
on da woild side wit Oirban Mixahs of all shapes an' soizes at
Lupo's Caffe & Bar, on da site of the former Cicchetti, deep
in da heart of da legitimate financial district.
WHERE: Lupo's Caffe & Bar,
1014 West Georgia Street, Vancouver
WHY: Bring da posse,
bring da roomies, bring da Nigerian who wants youse's account
information. Gino wants ta take a walk wit him.
WHEN: 2005-07-23 11:00 AM
MORE
INFORMATION | ADD
TO MY CALENDAR | REGISTER
ONLINE
|
Play da Ponies
Da TRACK
Dis is da place da horses run. Dey probably run in da fields,
too, but dere's no money bein' bet on dat, so fugedaboudid.
Whaddayou want from me? Trills? Spills? Chills? Easy money?
Easy riders? Easy...easy, boy! You god it at da track.
Just the facts, ma'am:
FAVOURITES WIN 33% of the time.
FAVOURITES PLACE (1st or 2nd) 53% of the time.
FAVOURITES SHOW (1st, 2nd, or 3rd) 67% of the time.
Except when I bet on dem, da lousy nags. De above should be
considered historical data only, cuz udderwise youse could get mad when
you lose; so don't inhale, do not consider this a prospectus, and don't
come whinin' to me when you blow your wad. Clean up after yerself, ya bum!
Da BETS
WIN: da nag finishes foist.
PLACE: da nag finishes foist or second.
SHOW: da nag finishes 1st, 2nd or 3rd. You didn't
tip da groom enough.
ACROSS THE BOARD: Youse can't make up
ya moind, so you bets all tree at once: WIN, PLACE and SHOW. Den if da nag
wins, you collects on all tree WIN, PLACE and SHOW bets. If da nag comes
in second, youse collects on da PLACE and SHOW bets. If youse's horse comes
in tird, you collects on the SHOW bet.
QUICKPICKS: Just like da 649. Da track
makes a bet at random for ya. Just stay away from da Tainted Paint filly
in da toid. She's a puller.
Da more EXOTIC FARE (nudge nudge)
OTHER TRACKS: When
one track just ain't enough for ya. Here, ya gots ta say da name of da track,
da race number and da amount you wanna bet.
EXACTOR: You gots ta pick da two hoises
dat finish foist and second in exact order in da same race.
EXACTOR BOX: Split da difference: Your
two nags must finish either 1st or 2nd in the same race. Say: “$2
exactor Box 5&6” and either
nag can come in 1st and 2nd. This bet will cost a four-spot.
TRIACTOR: Your tree ponies gotta finish
foist, second and toid in da same race. Da order counts. Say: “$2
triactor 5, 6, 7” Horse 5 must
win, 6 place 2nd and 7 place 3rd. This bet will cost a two-spot.
TRIACTOR BOX: Like tings ain't complicated
enuf! Dis woiks like da Exactor Box bet, but wit tree ponies. Day can finish
in any order, as long as dey finish foist, second and toid. Dis costs a
twelve-spot, so bring a wad big enough to impress (like you don't already!).
Say: “$2 triactor box 5, 6, 7”. This
gives you horses 5, 6 and 7 to finish 1st, 2nd, and 3rd in any order.
THE DAILY DOUBLE: You gotta bet da winners
of two consecutive races. Harder to do, but da payoff is sweet.
IT GETS WOISE: Dere are bets so complicated
youse needs some proffessional guidance. Da ROLLING PICK
3, SUPERFECTA, WIN
4, PICK 6, or the SUPER 7.
Don't call da mouthpiece, flag down da Boss, Raj, or Customer Service
or visit www.hastingsracecourse.com an do ya'z homewoik fa oncet in ya life!
GROUP BETTING: If youze is into groups,
dere's GROUP BETTING, and dat also requoires some professional intervention,
if youze catches my drift.
Da Sweet, Sweet Payout
Understanding the Odds
Da odds are set by youse and meeze. It's how many lugs bet
on each nag that sets dem odds, so you ain't got anybuddy to blame but everybody
else around yaz if you don't like dem odds. If dey like a nag more, da odds
go down. Da less dey likes 'em, da more dey pay out if dey win.
If da odds for horse #2 are 10/1 and the nag wins. A two-spot
bet would pay back a twenty-spot plus you get back the two-spot you paid
for the bet.
SOME EXAMPLES ON A TWO-SPOT BET:
ODDS |
1/2 |
8/5 |
2/1 |
7/2 |
5/1 |
10/1 |
PAYS |
$3 |
$5.60 |
$6 |
$9 |
$12 |
$22 |
Makin' da Bet
Go to da tellah's booth. To avoid
worrying,
5 simple points like uncle Louie's knuckles:
| THE FIVE POINTS |
EXAMPLE |
| 1. Say the name of da track |
Hastings, duh |
| 2. Say the race numbah |
Race 2 |
| 3. Say the amount of da bet |
$2 |
| 4. Say da type of bet |
to WIN, squire |
| 5. Say da number of the pony |
on #8 |
Nobody needs ta know you're betting on da cute filly wit eyes
like da special someone who took youse's voiginity. Pertickilarly if
it WAS a horse.
Always say da track name, on account a dere are broadcast races
around da woild dat youse can bet on too. Da teller will take your money
(hey, I'll take some too, if youse is passing it out) and print out ya ticket
Self Automated Machines
If tellahs bring back bad memories, use da self-automated machines.
Get a voucher from a tellah. Den take it to da machine and do what it
tells ya to. Da bossman Raj and his track connections can show ya how it's
done. Sumting to keep in mind for da future, too.
- Use a winnin' ticket or buy yassef a credit voucher from
one of da machines or tellahs.
- Walk up to any Self-Service terminal. Dey don't bite. I
tested.
- Insert winnin' ticket or voucher and make youse's picks
as instructed on da screen.
Insert winnin' ticket or voucher and make youse's picks
as instructed on da screen.
Da machine subtracts da cost of da bet from da winnin' ticket or credit
voucher. It went to school for dat. If you win, youse can cash in ya
ticket at a teller or use it to bet again. An' again. An' again...but
we is relivin' da past...
You can also use the machine to check out if you won your bet!
How to Jump Up and Down
We ain't got no experience wit dis, being staid and somewhat
heavyset for our age and build, so we'se is gonna "borrow" da
explanation from da foine people at Hastin's Park, who won't complain now,
will dey?
For some people jumping up and down in excitement is something
they haven’t indulged in since childhood. But here, we encourage you
to do it with gusto. You’ve come for the excitement, so give in to
it and let go! Jump, scream, shout, support your horse with everything
you’ve got!
HERE ARE SOME HELPFUL TIPS:
- Get up off your seat
- Clutch your tickets with a vice-like grip
- Take a deep breath, a sip
of water
- Find your chant: GIDDY UP, GO BABY,COME ON, YOU’RE
A WINNER, BRING IT HOME!,
YOU CAN DO IT!
- RAISE YOUR VOICE
(horses have incredible hearing!)
- Call your horse by name:
GO TRIXX GO!, 8 IS THE ONE!
- Okay, now start SCREAMING as they come
down
the final stretch!
- Cross you fingers, STAMP YOUR FEET,
start jumping!
- Psychically transfer all your adrenaline to your horse!
- ENJOY THE EXHILARATION!
FEEL IT!
Rest up for the next race and do it all again!
Doze racetrack people is oudda control, I tell ya!
Read da Results
Da race is over, an' dey've all crossed da finish line. Check
da TV monitors an' see if all dat screaming paid off.
Horse
Number |
Win
1st |
Place
1st, 2nd |
Show
1st, 2nd, 3rd |
8 |
$11.90 |
$7.80 |
$4.20 |
5 |
|
$9.30 |
$5.30 |
2 |
|
|
$3.80 |
Remember, payoffs for WIN, PLACE and SHOW are always based
on a minimum $2 bet. In this example, you placed a $2 WIN bet on horse
#8 whose final odds were 9/2 and paid $11.90. Had you made a PLACE bet,
you would have collected $7.80 and for a SHOW bet, $4.20.
How to Speak da Lingo
(and know what everyone else means)
Look like an ace wit' dis cheat sheet.
CHALK: da favourite.
DEAD HEAT: a tie at da finish loine. Much screamin'
involved.
INQUIRY/OBJECTION: Dey call out da judges to check
for rule-breakin', not dat dat ever happens.
LENGTH: da length of a horse. If you gots sumthin'
else dat long, youse must be popular.
MAIDEN: A nag dat never won a race. A maiden race
is a full field of horses who ain't won yet. Somebody busts dere
cherry.
PADDOCK: da area where da ponies get prepped for
da race.
PHOTO FINISH: so close dey gotta use da finish line
camera to see who won. More screamin'.
POST TIME: da time all da nags gotta be ready to
go.
THOROUGHBRED: da breeda horse dat runs on da dirt
(or turf) at Hastin's.
STANDARDBRED: da breeda horse dat races on stone
or clay an' pulls a cart behind dem. Dey don't gallop, dey trot
or pace.
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Racing Terms, tanks to Hastin's Park
fer da technical toims
MAIDEN RACE: A race for horses who have never won a
race.
ALLOWANCE RACE: Classidied by conditions of past performance
and/or earnings that determine eligibility of the horse.
STAKES RACE : Highest quality race, often requiring
entry fees by owner to be added to the prize money.
CLAIMING RACE: Races divided into price categories
for which a horse may be claimed (purchased) out of a race.
FILLIES/MARES: Term used for female horses. They are "fillies" until
5 years of age, and "mares" thereafter.
COLTS/HORSES: Term used for male horses. They are "colts" until
5 years of age, and "horses" thereafter.
GELDING: A castrated male horse.
BLINKERS: A hood with eye cups worn by a horse to limit
peripheral vision and help eliminate distractions during a race.
FURLONG: A furlong equals 220 yards or 1/8 mile.
SCRATCH: A horse who has been withdrawn from the
race, prior to its running.
SILKS: A jockey's shirt with a colour and pattern selected
by the horse's owner(s) |
Betting Terms, tanks again to
Hastin's Park fer da technical toims
WIN: You collect if your horse wins.
PLACE: You collect if your horse wins or is 2nd.
SHOW: You collect if your horse wins or is 2nd or 3rd.
EXACTA: You collect if you select two horses in one
race to finish 1st and 2nd in exact order.
QUINELLA: You collect if you select the first two finishers
in any order in one race.
DOUBLE: You collect if you pick the horses to win each
of two designated races.
TRIACTOR: You collect if you select three horses in
one race to finish 1st, 2nd, 3rd in exact order.
SUPERFECTA: You collect if you select four horses in
one race to finish 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th in exact order.
WIN 3/ WIN 4: You collect if you pick the horses to
win each of three or four designated races.
PICK 6: You collect if you pick the horses to finish
1st in each of six designated races.
BOX: Term to indicate covering your selections in all
possible finish orders. Example: $2 Exacta Box numbers 3 & 8. |
Now, here's da payoff.
Get VIP access for you an' a guest for playin' da ponies
(Friday, August 12th). Total value? $40.
To ge in on da action, all you gotta do is hit our survey...uh,
I mean click on our survey...at http://www.urbanmixer.com/surveys and
tell Raj what he wants ta know. Dis info is safe wit us. It will never
be used to personally identify you. Dey'll have to use dental records
for dat.
See ya 'round,
Raj Taneja,
Legitimate Businessman, Urban Mixer
phone: (800) 688-1868 x 911
raj@urbanmixer.com
www.urbanmixer.com
 ... you just might want to stay
single
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